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D Block

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[15 Feb 2010|06:38pm]
[ mood | sad ]

How do you find the words to make everything better? How do you figure out exactly what's going wrong in your relationship when you're not even sure what exactly bothers you? I'm at a loss for words.

2 live easy

[07 Feb 2010|06:32pm]
superbowl, alone. dinner, alone. relationship, over.
1 live easy

[14 Sep 2006|10:01pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i hate that life sucks except for when i'm on stupid fucking anti-depressants.

live easy

[08 Sep 2006|03:57pm]
the only thing that's keeping me sane right now is the song snow by the red hot chilli peppers.
live easy

[05 Sep 2006|08:41pm]
[ mood | sad ]

can everyone please stop fucking dying.

2 live easy

[12 Aug 2006|01:03am]
[ mood | discontent ]

we live in a sick fucking world.

live easy

pathetic. [06 Aug 2006|04:12pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Today I realized just how pathetic I really am. There's this guy that I like so much it's crazy. The only really horrible part about liking him is that he's the biggest douche bag I've ever met in my entire life. You're probably thinking to yourself, "well why does she like him?" I guess I've asked myself the same question over and over. You would think getting dicked over numerous times by a "friend" would make me realize how much of an asshole this guy really is but it doesn't and I hate it. We were hooking up last summer and this summer I guess we both figured we'd pick up where we left off considering he lives in Long Beach and I barely see him during the school year. Well that was pretty dumb of me I guess. He knows how much I like him so he just uses me, not even for ass just for stupid things like driving him around, paying for him and all that other stupid shit. He calls me a lot when him and his friends need something because he knows I'll say yes. It's my own fault for feeling so shitty. I let him walk all over me but I don't know how to say no to him. Stupid me told him that I wasn't a virgin anymore because I thought I was protecting myself. I didn't want to just have sex with him one random drunk night and regret it. Of course that backfired. We sort of talked about having sex but when it really came down to it I didn't want to do it and he said it was alright, it was my descision. Another night I told him I wouldn't have sex with him and he stormed out like a child and said, "fine, we're never hookingup again." That night I found out he hooked up with someone else in my house, at my party and then begged me to have sex with him. It's so pathetic you can almost laugh about it. Well yesterday was the third time he hooked up with this girl when I asked both of them not to do it because it really makes me uncomfortable. Of course both of them don't listen. I should really expect that of him though. He's a guy, he'll think with his dick not his head but the girl, I don't really know what to say about her. I really thought she respected me a little bit more than that but I guess I was wrong. It's funny because the first time she did it she said she couldn't eat for a week, she cried and she's not the type to cry at all and she swore she would never do it again. The second time rolls around and she did it again and once more after that. I guess it's just funny to me now. I'm so hurt I just laugh it off. What makes me even more confused is that she can dick over her best friend (not me another girl) and she doesn't even care. Her best friend and I always joke about liking the same guy. She doesn't like him, she just has a huge crush on him so it's funny but she never expected one of her friends to do that to her. It's stupid of me to be mad at her I guess because I'm not officially with him or anything so they're both free to do what they want. I guess I'm more upset that we're not going to hook up anymore and if we do, he'll just walk all over me and treat me like shit. It's really pathetic because I would rather be treated like shit and hook up with him then be happy and not hook up with him at all. Pathetic is a great word that sums up this entry and basically everything that I'm feeling right now. I never thought I would be one of those annoying girls who bitches about guys but I guess I am now. Oh well.

Sorry for wasting your time.

11 live easy

[23 Jul 2006|02:00pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I've never cried over a boy in my entire life until this weekend and I feel pathetic.

6 live easy

[19 Jun 2006|11:25am]
[ mood | sad ]

I can't stop crying.

live easy

[15 Jun 2006|11:32pm]
I remember this one time at about 11:30 pm when I was driving around Floral Park and I saw Bobby on his bike of course. I pulled into the associated parking lot and he pulled out this flashlight. I swear it was the brightest light I have ever seen. He shined it in my eyes and said with his hysterical voice, "license and registration please." I laughed and gave him my license. He examined it of course and asked me a few questions just to make sure it was me. After he shined the flashlight in my eyes for about the 5th time he said, "have you been drinking tonight?" I laughed and said "of course not Bobby, I'm against drinking and driving." He searched around my car and then told me that if I didn't take my car in for an inspection he would give me a ticket. I laughed and then thanked him because if he didn't tell me, I probably really would've gotten a ticket. We joked around for a little while and then I went home. I thanked him again for warning me about my inspection.

A few weeks ago I got my first parking ticket. Since it was my first one, I had no idea where to go to pay. I saw Bobby riding his bike around town and I asked him where I could pay it. He brought me into the Town hall and of course they greeted him because how could you not know Bobby Getchel. After I brought the ticket to the counter the woman behind the desk told me that it was not a Floral Park ticket. Bobby immediately looked at me and said looks like you're at the wrong place. He told me where I could go to pay it and then we left.

Writing down these memories of Bobby is such a good feeling. Although memories last a lifetime, I wish Bobby could've been here a little bit longer. It all seems so surreal. Tonight at the vigil I heard some sirens passing by and it made me sad because I realized Bobby wouldn't be at the call. Even though I was really sad, I knew in my heart that Bobby was there in some way or another. It's going to take time for this town to heal. I think it's going to be hard for people to get out of bed and walk around town because everyone knows we won't see Bobby anymore.

At the vigil the people who spoke said "we're not exaggerating, everyone here knew Bobby and Kevin." It's amazing how that is so true. The most random people know Bobby and I guess Kevin too. As mad as I am at God right now, I really should thank him for letting me meet Bobby Getchel. He has touched my heart in a way I can't even explain. I'm so grateful that I had the pleasure of knowing such a kind, brave, selfless individual.

I believe in my heart that Eggy and Bobby died happy. Bobby finally passed his regents, Eggy graduated, everything was just so great. Even though Bobby was here for the horrible accident, he was still happy Bobby. It's incredible. Incredible that God made such a happy individual. I'm jealous of those who are already in heaven because they get to share the rest of their lives with two awesome people.

"Don't mourn the death of those who passed, praise their life."

Rest in Peace.
1 live easy

[15 Jun 2006|04:26pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I really honestly thought that I believed in God and now as the hours go by I question that more than ever. I'm so sick of hearing "God only takes the ones he loves." That's the biggest fucking bullshit I've ever heard. How many fucking people are going to die? Is it something in the air? Does "God" really hate this town that much that he has to punish every single person here. I'm surprised I actually have something to write down in this stupid fucking livejournal because I'm so speechless. Today when I heard that Bobby died at first I didn't even cry. As bad as it sounds, I actually chuckled a little. I thought it was just a cruel, cruel joke. I was driving around today and I was actually looking for Bobby on his bike thinking that he was still here. I don't understand this at all. I feel awful for the class of 2006. How can you go to graduation and prom and enjoy it? This is supposed to be such a happy time in everyones lives and now everyone is just devastated. It's ironic that in The Shield Josh wrote an article about Bobby. Every single word written is true. Everyone knew Bobby, everyone loved Bobby. I don't fucking get this. I have nothing more to write. I should be here crying hysterically but I guess I don't even understand what's going on. The only thing I'm certain of is that in a matter of minutes I'm going to be vomitting because my stomach is not made to handle such fucked up things like this.

RIP Eggy and Bobby/

4 live easy

I need advice. [06 Jun 2006|11:01pm]
This is probably the stupidest question ever but I'm really torn as to whether or not I should quit cheerleading for the 2006-2007 school year. I've been a cheerleader since 7th grade and as stupid as it sounds, it's really a huge part of me. I've always wanted to be that varsity cheerleader, blah blah blah. Now that I am one, the only thing on my mind is quitting. Last year was absolutely horrendous because of the seniors and if I go through another year like that I think I'm going to crack. I've been thinking about how it would look for college. Would it look like a cop out? Like things got too rough and I just quit? I'm worried about my coaches, I love them more than anything and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt them or make them upset. Tomorrow I think I'm going to talk to my guidance counselor and see what she says. I never realized how tough of a decision this would be. I guess quitting always crossed my mind but I never really thought about it like I am now. If I do stay on the team, I feel like I'm going to be fake every time we have practice because the last thing the team needs is a negative attitude. This year we might not even be able to stunt and I'm not going to sit on the side-lines and scream stupid fucking cheers like a little 5-year-old. Senior year is supposed to be fun and honestly, I kind of feel like cheerleading would just completely fuck everything up. I want to get a job and not rely on babysitting as my only source of income. Ah what a stupid but tough decision.

Anyone care to give me some advice? Thanks for reading, if you did.
13 live easy

[11 May 2006|09:38pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Reply to this entry by posting a picture of yourself, then post this sentence in your own journal.

1 live easy

[01 May 2006|11:20pm]
Have you ever had that feeling of emptiness, where absolutely nothing is going right in your life? Lately I've been feeling like that so much and honestly, I have no idea how to deal with it. I feel like every time I turn around, I'm fighting with another person in my family and the most famous words come out of their mouths, "selfish." Nothing I do is ever right and I don't know how to solve this problem. A lot of the times it is me and I can admit that but other times I just feel like everything I've done for the past 17 years has had no impact on anyone in my life and no matter how hard I try, I always fuck up one way or another. It's frustrating to me that I can't see things on my own, ever. I always need someone to point them out to me. With Matt, I didn't realize he didn't care about me at all until my sister pointed it out. Am I really that stupid that I couldn't realize I was being treated like a piece of dirt? I miss being happy all the time. I miss not having to worry about every little thing I do and I miss not having things blow over so quickly. Today I got into a huge fight with my mother and she said some really hurtful things to me. Instead of trying to make it better, I just kissed her goodnight knowing that we were still mad at eachother. I'm fighting with everyone and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. Julie and I had a disagreement today and it really wasn't a big deal at all but I was really trying to do what was in her best interest but of course, it was the wrong thing and she got upset with me. Maybe I should stop worrying about other people and stop trying to please other people but it's so hard to stop caring when your entire family is picking at your flaws every second of every day. I really wish that today's date was May 1, 2007 because then I would know that in just 2 more months, I would be set free and sleeping in my door room, away from Floral Park and everything I can't stand. Julie really opened my eyes today and made me realize that the guy I like really doesn't like me. Maybe I just keep trying with all these guys because I think that they'll like me but the more and more I try, the less and less they show any interest in me. I don't even know what to write anymore. I don't know how to get out all of my emotions because sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling. I hate that this livejournal has become a place for me to vent and it's never about anything good anymore. Therapy basically stopped working for me. I used to look forward to going every week but now I feel like it's a chore. My session with all of my sisters is on Wednesday and I can't even explain how much I'm dreading it. I don't want to sit on Linda's couch and get ripped apart by my sisters and have them tell Linda how much of a bad person I am. What have I turned into? I don't even know who I am anymore. I've become this person who gets angry at the littlest things all the time and hey, maybe it's me being oversensitive or something but I don't know how to change. I know I have friends to turn to but I just get so frustrated with everything that I don't even want to talk to anyone. I feel like when I'm at therapy, I'm counting down the minutes until the session is over. A few months ago, I would be devastated if I was unable to make the appointment that week. How do I change? How do I become the person I was a few months ago, the fun-loving, happy person I was? I've become so negative it's ridiculous. I'm not even looking forward to summer. When I think summer I think bikinis, tight clothes, pools, everything I hate. The only thing I'm excited about is anchor. My sanctuary, a place where I can just let loose and enjoy the few hours I have away from my house. I'm sick of coming home after school and just falling asleep on the couch because I have absolutely no energy to do any work. I'm sick of hearing my father say, "shouldn't you be studing," or "do you have any homework?" Granted he's a parent and of course he's going to be on my back but when it's 24/7 I get so angry. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore and I apologize to those of you who are reading this nonsense.

On a lighter note I guess, Miss Julieanne, I miss you terribly. I'm sorry I didn't come and visit you and I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch. I'm counting down the days until you're living in my house, going shopping with me, or drinking iced venti non-fat caramel mocchiato's with sugar-free vanilla from starbucks. You're my best friend and I love you.

Goodnight all, I'm deeply sorry if you read this bullshit.
19 live easy

[14 Apr 2006|01:34pm]
[ mood | wtf ]

Why am i so fucking sad lately?

1 live easy

[10 Apr 2006|11:00pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I need to write down all of my emotions and get them out but I feel like I'm at a loss for words.

1 live easy

[01 Apr 2006|01:50am]
[ mood | /Drunk ]

Have you ever felt so uncertain about everything going on in your life? I feel like one minute I know exactly what I want and then the next day everything I was so certain about suddenly becomes so cloudy. I guess what this really boils down to is what I take for granted, Stupid things such as having two boys. One minute you realize how much you like a certain person and the next minute you're thinking about what that other guy is doing on friday night. It's so naiive of me to think that everything was going so well and I knew exactly what I wanted. Feeling happy for longer than 2 days about everthing is highly unlikely. This livejournal entry is probably the stupidest thing I've ever written but at 2:00 am when there's no one else to talk, I guess livejournal is what saves you. I feel that as the days progress, I get more and more anxiety as to whether or not I'll get into Bighamton next year or I'll pass the next test that I have. I've been thinking so much about how life is measured in numbers. Your social security number is basically your life, if you weigh X amount of weight you are either too thin or overweight, if you got a certain grade on a test, you are either smart or in need of extra help. Sometimes I don't know why I bother to act like I'm ok with that fact that Matt and I really haven't talked as much as we used to. I guess because we've both been busy but I feel like I'm thinking into this way more than he is and there has to be a reason why my phone hasn't been ringing at crazy hours of the night. A part of me wants to go back to him because I know how much fun I have with him but the other part of me is watching out for single, cute guys. I'm very sorry for those of you who actually took time out of your busy schedules to read this ridiculous entry, I'll probably end up deleting it in about 6 hours.

goodnight.

6 live easy

[07 Mar 2006|07:15pm]
[ mood | roar. ]

prom ideas? we already have a bus, help me brainstorm. thanks

live easy

[02 Mar 2006|02:28pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

so my best friend in the entire world, jules, just told me that she will be staying in floral park next year. i haven't been this excited in a long time.

2 live easy

[19 Feb 2006|04:40pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

even though i LOVE my new haircut to death, i kind of feel like growing it out a little. not crazy crazy long but longer than it is now. i need some help, what do you think?

4 live easy

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